Between A Gasp and A Sigh
The hospital corridor was barren and dark with exception of low intensity overhead lamps placed at regular intervals. There were rooms at both sides with a small window on each to peek in the darkness. As a contradiction, light was ebbing out of one of the room and I laid out there - conscious, tensed and afraid - surrounded by several forms, light, dark, strong, weak, each staking their claim on me. There was chatting and clattering all around but it wasn't for anyone's ears
"Remember how she shooed away that molester all by herself. Of course she is a strong girl", said one of them who looked strongest of them all. The form had no body and yet just looking at it, gave me the strength I needed in this time. I remember this incident, which happened many years back. Since then, I had shaped myself to not be afraid of anything or anyone.
"Ohh ! How does it matter what she did to others, she could not save herself from her abusive boyfriend !" said another. This one looked much less stronger, petite, and afraid. Yes, it was true, I had no courage to stop my boyfriend, I thought it happens in all relationships. Only when I changed city, I could break away from that abusive relationship.
"But she did save her friends from all future problems and helped them in stabilising relationships", said one who looked most peaceful, serene and philanthropist. And Why not, I thought, that one relationship was sufficient for me to write a book on "Relationships for Dummies" !
"Yeah and took away credits of all her colleagues. It's better to preach when money is in own pocket", said one who looked all business and spoke as if a puff of smoke was just passed. I was an excellent student and a hard worker, it was in my genes. One definitely grows and earns more than others, what's the harm in it? I frowned.
"She owes me her life”, the voice was darkest of them all and a silence loomed over the room as it was spoken. It snapped its fingers and said, “She may be strong and kind hearted but she had called upon me. She knew her action would only result in this. Still she chose to give up her life by jumping in front of truck.” It waived towards all of other me’s and suddenly I felt deprived of all my strength. This form, the darkest of dark was growing stronger and looked vaguely familiar.
I tried to look around and all others were just diminishing. I wanted to look each one in eye, to tell them that I'm more than what you just spoke about me.
I gasped and succumbed to that power, my whole life ran in front of me. Each flashing momentarily and running towards next. Each form circling around me and growing mysteriously brighter at memory which resembled them.
I wanted to tell my mom that, “Yes, I took that last cookie and I was sorry”. I wanted to tell my dad that, “Yes I’m glad I'm not a doctor, I never wanted to be one.” I wanted to shout to my friends, “Hey we had lots of fun, I'm so happy that we met and it just doesn't matter that we don't meet often anymore”. I wanted to assure that kid, “You are strong and no one can touch you if you don't want to. You just have to say NO!”.
Wait a minute, in those flashes, I saw that terrified girl. Where was she? She was hiding somewhere. I started looking for her. Each form circling faster than before. I don't have time. I need to save the kid. I looked around and found her. The scared-est of all form. Not moving. Hiding. And I raised my hand. Surprisingly i had strength to raise it and despite the flashbacks and tornadoes around, she took it with ease, just like she had taken before I was brought to the hospital. I was as afraid as she was, but I had to save her from those molesters. And in that attempt, I pushed her away across the road but got crushed by a speeding truck.
“Ohh! She is indeed safe.” I murmured taking her hand. Of all my life memories, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, this is one that I want to take with me. This is what that defines me. Holding hands of that scared form, I closed my eyes.
In that instant all other forms grew stronger with compassion and merged into me one after the another.
“Yes I'm Good, i’m Bad! I may not be strong always, I have been weak. I have my ups and downs in life, I did not act as society expected me to, I am not the richest person, But all that I did is what defines me. Am I happy how my life has turned? Yes. Do I want to change any one chapter in my life? No. Am I proud of living this life? Totally, Completely, Irrevocably!”
The last one to merge in me had the expression I had when I saved that kid, afraid but full of strength. I took a deep long sigh and I knew that in between that Gasp and Sigh, I have lived my life !!
"Remember how she shooed away that molester all by herself. Of course she is a strong girl", said one of them who looked strongest of them all. The form had no body and yet just looking at it, gave me the strength I needed in this time. I remember this incident, which happened many years back. Since then, I had shaped myself to not be afraid of anything or anyone.
"Ohh ! How does it matter what she did to others, she could not save herself from her abusive boyfriend !" said another. This one looked much less stronger, petite, and afraid. Yes, it was true, I had no courage to stop my boyfriend, I thought it happens in all relationships. Only when I changed city, I could break away from that abusive relationship.
"But she did save her friends from all future problems and helped them in stabilising relationships", said one who looked most peaceful, serene and philanthropist. And Why not, I thought, that one relationship was sufficient for me to write a book on "Relationships for Dummies" !
"Yeah and took away credits of all her colleagues. It's better to preach when money is in own pocket", said one who looked all business and spoke as if a puff of smoke was just passed. I was an excellent student and a hard worker, it was in my genes. One definitely grows and earns more than others, what's the harm in it? I frowned.
"She owes me her life”, the voice was darkest of them all and a silence loomed over the room as it was spoken. It snapped its fingers and said, “She may be strong and kind hearted but she had called upon me. She knew her action would only result in this. Still she chose to give up her life by jumping in front of truck.” It waived towards all of other me’s and suddenly I felt deprived of all my strength. This form, the darkest of dark was growing stronger and looked vaguely familiar.
I tried to look around and all others were just diminishing. I wanted to look each one in eye, to tell them that I'm more than what you just spoke about me.
I gasped and succumbed to that power, my whole life ran in front of me. Each flashing momentarily and running towards next. Each form circling around me and growing mysteriously brighter at memory which resembled them.
I wanted to tell my mom that, “Yes, I took that last cookie and I was sorry”. I wanted to tell my dad that, “Yes I’m glad I'm not a doctor, I never wanted to be one.” I wanted to shout to my friends, “Hey we had lots of fun, I'm so happy that we met and it just doesn't matter that we don't meet often anymore”. I wanted to assure that kid, “You are strong and no one can touch you if you don't want to. You just have to say NO!”.
Wait a minute, in those flashes, I saw that terrified girl. Where was she? She was hiding somewhere. I started looking for her. Each form circling faster than before. I don't have time. I need to save the kid. I looked around and found her. The scared-est of all form. Not moving. Hiding. And I raised my hand. Surprisingly i had strength to raise it and despite the flashbacks and tornadoes around, she took it with ease, just like she had taken before I was brought to the hospital. I was as afraid as she was, but I had to save her from those molesters. And in that attempt, I pushed her away across the road but got crushed by a speeding truck.
“Ohh! She is indeed safe.” I murmured taking her hand. Of all my life memories, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, this is one that I want to take with me. This is what that defines me. Holding hands of that scared form, I closed my eyes.
In that instant all other forms grew stronger with compassion and merged into me one after the another.
“Yes I'm Good, i’m Bad! I may not be strong always, I have been weak. I have my ups and downs in life, I did not act as society expected me to, I am not the richest person, But all that I did is what defines me. Am I happy how my life has turned? Yes. Do I want to change any one chapter in my life? No. Am I proud of living this life? Totally, Completely, Irrevocably!”
The last one to merge in me had the expression I had when I saved that kid, afraid but full of strength. I took a deep long sigh and I knew that in between that Gasp and Sigh, I have lived my life !!
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